May 18 is a very special anniversary for me. In 2001 I was young & pregnant for the first time. It was hard as I had just met the father a couple of weeks before that. I didn’t tell him until a couple of days before I miscarried. He acted like an ass & I was confused, upset, lonely. For months I tried to get him to understand, in the wrong way, I’m sure. He’s the reason this blog actually exist. He is the one that called me nice, but troubled. I realize that with him, I was nice, but troubled. I wasn’t myself around him. Sunday it all changed. I wasn’t scared or tried to fit into some person I thought he wanted. I was who I was. Funny how time can change things. He has at times, said some really horrible things to me. I have always said that it’s not what you say but your actions. His actions were cruel, but his words were sweet, sometimes. I never wanted to be with anyone other than him. He wanted to be with anyone but me.
That day I was finally able to say this is who I am nice and all. I don’t care what you think.
It has been a couple of months since we reconnected and we still talk to each other. We don’t see each other much before we are both busy with living our lives in our little bubble. I thought I would have gone back to the Nice, but Troubled me (he is the one that coined that phrase for me. I now wear it like a badge of honor). I didn’t. I haven’t bother him. I have lived my life with him flitting in and out. I’m not expecting anything from him. I’m not thinking this is finally my chance to “win” him back. There is nothing to win. He’s not the person I’m suppose to be with. I’m not his type. I’m not expecting anything from him and him me. I have a friend. A friend that’s not that attentive and who is sometimes rather selfish (which I feel at times is his coping mechanism). The think is I can be a friend to him without any ulterior motive or thinking this is what he wants to hear. It’s nice to be me and I think on some level, he likes me too.