This is the wonderings,musings, and ramblings of a nice but troubled girl. I will talk about anything love, life, politics, celebritiy gossip,academia and just random stuff.

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May 18 is a very special anniversary for me. In 2001 I was young & pregnant for the first time. It was hard as I had just met the father a couple of weeks before that. I didn’t tell him until a couple of days before I miscarried. He acted like an ass & I was confused, upset, lonely. For months I tried to get him to understand, in the wrong way, I’m sure. He’s the reason this blog actually exist. He is the one that called me nice, but troubled. I realize that with him, I was nice, but troubled. I wasn’t myself around him. Sunday it all changed. I wasn’t scared or tried to fit into some person I thought he wanted. I was who I was. Funny how time can change things. He has at times, said some really horrible things to me. I have always said that it’s not what you say but your actions. His actions were cruel, but his words were sweet, sometimes. I never wanted to be with anyone other than him. He wanted to be with anyone but me.

That day I was finally able to say this is who I am nice and all. I don’t care what you think.

It has been a couple of months since we reconnected and we still talk to each other. We don’t see each other much before we are both busy with living our lives in our little bubble. I thought I would have gone back to the Nice, but Troubled me (he is the one that coined that phrase for me. I now wear it like a badge of honor). I didn’t. I haven’t bother him. I have lived my life with him flitting in and out. I’m not expecting anything from him. I’m not thinking this is finally my chance to “win” him back. There is nothing to win. He’s not the person I’m suppose to be with. I’m not his type. I’m not expecting anything from him and him me. I have a friend. A friend that’s not that attentive and who is sometimes rather selfish (which I feel at times is his coping mechanism). The think is I can be a friend to him without any ulterior motive or thinking this is what he wants to hear. It’s nice to be me and I think on some level, he likes me too.

NBT

"I feel like at 38, I’m still a failure at life. Will I ever feel like I’m not a failure."

- NBT

"I’m in the beginning stages of losing my religion and my faith in God. I don’t think he exists anymore."

- NBT

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I should’ve taken the time to say this in person, but I’m a coward. I always want someone to be honest with me. I can do the same thing. All things that I saw as keeping me in hiding, might not have been hiding at all, just sharing the places you love with me. The small things you did I dismissed because to me, there was some type of relationship I was looking for. I was stupid, and I’m sorry. 

I should have said Thank You more. I should have enjoyed more of what we did. I should have said I appreciate all the little things you did. I didn’t. I’m sorry. That’s all I can say now because so much time has passed. I love you, I always will. 

I’m sorry.

NBT

"I just want to be there forever, in this moment."

- NBT

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I started running about a year ago. I wanted to get in shape, to relive my angst, get the widgets out of my head. I was horrible in the beginning. I would barely run a block. I kept at it thought until November when it got too cold to run outside. I just started running again and I had some what of an epiphany: I hold things in. Yes, I NBT, hold things in. While running its my breath, other times it’s my feelings, emotions, words, sentences, paragraphs; I just hold them in. I never thought about it until out running. While running past the homes, I will probably never live in on a beautiful, free-lined street, I caught myself holding my breath. Why was I doing that? Holding my breath certainly didn’t make for an easy run, I gave up quickly because I couldn’t catch my breath. Holding other things in didn’t help me either. I usually ended up being mad at myself because I couldn’t tell the person what I was really feeling. Holding my breath and holding my feelings were connected. They both came from the same place. The same feeling of holding things in protected me better. How stupid was I. learning to breath, is learning to truly let go of all the bullshit, once and for all

NBT

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So… lots have happen since we last met. I moved out. Yep, I’m on my own, officially a grown up. Learn a lot about myself, the most important thing, I’m not the island unto myself I thought I was. It was easy to say when there is another warm body in the same occupied space. It’s a lot different when you come home every night to silence. Parts of it are nice, no attitudes to worry about, or people not pulling their weight. I don’t have to stay in my car and put on home battle armor, after taking off work battle armor. 

There are some things not so nice, I come home to my TV, my computer, I come home to stuff. Just stuff. And for the first couple of months, it was something that rattled me. I was sad. No one called and I called no one. I didn’t want to bother them. Not like my sister and her mother. They see each other every day and talk on the phone every night. It’s nice. I don’t have that with my mom. She doesn’t call me and I don’t call her. She doesn’t ask how I am, I return the favor. For right now it’s nice.

There are so many things to being on your own. I got use to coming home to stuff. It’s nice now. I’m able to think now. Of what I actually want. How I want to feel. How I want to be treated. 

My train keeps chuggin & maybe the wheels won’t fall off this time. 

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I finally got the stench of old fog off of me. It was heavy and it filled me with such an incredible burden that I couldn’t breath, I was speechless and immobile. I finally got it off me & it was hard.

Now something new has crept up. It’s making me numb, anxious, and angry. My friends are getting on my nerves & right now I want nothing to do with them. They don’t understand or try to understand. I’m tired of trying to explain to them & get shot down. I’m beginning to feel like there is no one that understands me. There has been a small shift, instead of wanting to just end my existence this earth, I want to just leave my life here & go somewhere else. How will that help though? It won’t. I need to look at things head on. Live my life, MY WAY. Right now it’s not where I want it, but it’s getting there. I have a lot of thinking to do. Alot of things to still change. It’s a work in progress, I’m willing to see it through.

NBT

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For the rest of the year and continuing in 2014, I will start doing the following:

Being less flexible. I usually go with whatever other people want to do. No more. If I don’t want to go, be interrupted, or otherwise, I won’t be doing it.

Start going out with more single childless people. I have actually found them, now it’s time to plan things with them.

Stop being available. I will no longer be canceling things I plan on doing to cater to people. Let’s just be frank, I don’t get the same consideration. Even if my only plans are being in my bed, watching Tv, I won’t be canceling them to help you out.

Start being more indepdendent. I don’t need anyone to help me make decisions anymore. I’m capable and can make decisions.

No longer care. Honestly, I should have been doing this a long time ago. I now understand people who do have walls up, it’s better to close yourself off a little then to just keep getting hurt, over and over again. Fuck that.

Stop telling people how I feel. They don’t care, don’t think you have a valid reason to even feel the way you do. There are only so many times I’m going to hear get over it before I get over you.

Lastly, have lower expectations of other people. Don’t expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Don’t expect anything. That way you will never be disappointed.

KND

37

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Yesterday I turned another year older and realize something most profound. Well a couple of things. I’m still worrying about how other people perceive me. Especially my mother. I carebecause I want her yo like me and she doesn’t. That needs to stop. She doesn’t like me, so what. I still need to live my life for myself & not her. Secondly, please for the love of God don’t count on anyone. EVER. It’s like who gives a fuck you gpt shit. No one cares. Take care of yourself, even if that means being holed up by yourself. Just rember no one gives a shit, so you have to give a shit for yourself. Pretty hard lesson to learn so late in the game of life.

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