This is the wonderings,musings, and ramblings of a nice but troubled girl. I will talk about anything love, life, politics, celebritiy gossip,academia and just random stuff.

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I finally got the stench of old fog off of me. It was heavy and it filled me with such an incredible burden that I couldn’t breath, I was speechless and immobile. I finally got it off me & it was hard.

Now something new has crept up. It’s making me numb, anxious, and angry. My friends are getting on my nerves & right now I want nothing to do with them. They don’t understand or try to understand. I’m tired of trying to explain to them & get shot down. I’m beginning to feel like there is no one that understands me. There has been a small shift, instead of wanting to just end my existence this earth, I want to just leave my life here & go somewhere else. How will that help though? It won’t. I need to look at things head on. Live my life, MY WAY. Right now it’s not where I want it, but it’s getting there. I have a lot of thinking to do. Alot of things to still change. It’s a work in progress, I’m willing to see it through.

NBT

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For the rest of the year and continuing in 2014, I will start doing the following:

Being less flexible. I usually go with whatever other people want to do. No more. If I don’t want to go, be interrupted, or otherwise, I won’t be doing it.

Start going out with more single childless people. I have actually found them, now it’s time to plan things with them.

Stop being available. I will no longer be canceling things I plan on doing to cater to people. Let’s just be frank, I don’t get the same consideration. Even if my only plans are being in my bed, watching Tv, I won’t be canceling them to help you out.

Start being more indepdendent. I don’t need anyone to help me make decisions anymore. I’m capable and can make decisions.

No longer care. Honestly, I should have been doing this a long time ago. I now understand people who do have walls up, it’s better to close yourself off a little then to just keep getting hurt, over and over again. Fuck that.

Stop telling people how I feel. They don’t care, don’t think you have a valid reason to even feel the way you do. There are only so many times I’m going to hear get over it before I get over you.

Lastly, have lower expectations of other people. Don’t expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Don’t expect anything. That way you will never be disappointed.

KND

37

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Yesterday I turned another year older and realize something most profound. Well a couple of things. I’m still worrying about how other people perceive me. Especially my mother. I carebecause I want her yo like me and she doesn’t. That needs to stop. She doesn’t like me, so what. I still need to live my life for myself & not her. Secondly, please for the love of God don’t count on anyone. EVER. It’s like who gives a fuck you gpt shit. No one cares. Take care of yourself, even if that means being holed up by yourself. Just rember no one gives a shit, so you have to give a shit for yourself. Pretty hard lesson to learn so late in the game of life.

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So…I’m employed again. Gainfully, barely. the company I work for is particularly nice and open-minded, flexible, fun and for the first time in my life. I want to go to work. I don’t know if this is just my I have been unemployed for so long that I’m looking at things with rose-colored working glasses or I truly enjoy it but I do. Look at what happened to a complete fluke. I like my boss, I believe in the words that come out of his mouth, ( a truly new one for me). 

I have also been doing a lot of work on myself. I have yet to have the come to Jesus moment, but I’m sure it’s coming. 

It’s hard to grow up. It’s especially hard to grow up when you live at home. Part of me never really grew up or stopped seeking my mother’s approval. I never truly got to do what I wanted for fear of what my mother would say. I don’t feel that way anymore. I could give a rat’s ass what my mother thinks now. She doesn’t care so…I should just do what the hell I want. 

From now on I’m going to be a little bit selfish. I won’t worry so much about other people, not because they are so busy worrying about me, because let’s face it. their not. I’m going to focus on me and what I want. It’s never to late to make your mark and grab what you want. It’s time for me to do the same thing.

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JSo many things have happened since we’ve lasy met. One got a job. Two my sister helped me. Three my goal in life right now is to get away from my mother, breakout live life. The job will help with that. You because you need money to do shit. Like I don’t know buy food and deodorant. So I’m I finally self-succifient? Nope I’m not officially underemployed. Yea! I get little money for doing a lot of shit! 

I look at this as work to fund my dream. My dream is to write. I know what it is now. There is no question. What I’m doing now is something I never thought I would be doing. I’m good at it I guess. I’m resentful though. Mainly at myself. I fucked myself over because you know, I thought I could do fine with what I had, that’s not the case. So I’m living with my consequences. This is one. Underemployment.

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I was fired from my job almost 2 years ago. I had never been fired before, but I knew it was coming. I was upset, not because I lost a job loved (I hated it) or because I would miss the people I was working with (was actually in a hostile work environment with my complaints to HR was met with a suck it up or leave statement), but because I felt like a failure. I was in my mid 30s and I never moved out of my childhood home. I was stuck. At first, I decided it would be a great time to go back to school since I didn’t have that many classes to take before I got my degree. I ended up flunking out of my program. My heart wasn’t end it. My superior flunking added to my downward spiral. I was severely depressed for a month and just flitted along. I had my unemployment so the car I had just purchased four weeks prior to my firing was still paid for.

I started taking side jobs after my unemployment ran out and my father started to pay my car note. I started to feel helpless, but not helpless enough to look for a job. I felt that with being fired and no degree I wouldn’t be getting a job and the economy was shit. I decided to just coast. Coasting quickly became boring with no money. I wasn’t dating because who wants to out out with an average looking unemployed woman that still lived at home with an insufferable mother who though she knew every fucking thing? No one. I fell into one of the worst depressions I have ever had. I thought of ways to end my life, but was either too lazy or scared to actually do it. I wasn’t really writing to begin with, so now I couldn’t get a sentence out. I felt this would be my life forver.

Something changed. A fight & a threat of homelessness was all it took to get me to atleast look for a job. It’s not like I didn’t want to work because I did. I just felt apprehensive about looking. I finally rewrote my resume and started looking for work.

So you are probably wondering great story but what did you learn. Well, I learned that losing a job, even one that you hate, can be a hard blow to overcome. I had to learn to accept my weaknesses, but also my talents (one thing I had never done before). I also learned that the one relationship that I thought was healthy, was a rotting decaying corpse being held together by Hello Kitty ductape. That, was my biggest lesson. I learned the truth about how someone I’d admired, looked up to & resented really saw me. I had to think if I really was a hateful, mean person and if I would ever forgive her? That lesson I haven’t learned yet.

NBT

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I’m lonely. I always have been. Never had anyone really one to talk or who got me, so it’s always been me and my shadow. The thing is my shadow can be suffocating, without saying a word. I would love to have a companion to just be beside me, accept me for the quirky, kooky person that I am. I know that I’m an acquired taste and it will take longer for me to find my companion, but I hope to find one soon, because my shadow is getting on my nerves.

NBT

"No one can tell you who you are unless you let them"

- NBT

"I have to do this on my own, even if I fall."

- NBT

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I’m a pretty closed off person (SAYS THE GIRL WITH A BLOG). I HAVE SO MANY THINGS i want to say to people, but don’t because of how people will receive it. I have learned that you can’t control how people receive what you say & you can’t worry about it. I feel like I have done all I can and it’s never enough. At some point you have to let go of the life you thought you deserve and deal with what you have. I need to start excepting that maybe you can let go of toxic people even if it is your parents.
It’s time to get a divorce.
NBT

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