This is the wonderings,musings, and ramblings of a nice but troubled girl. I will talk about anything love, life, politics, celebritiy gossip,academia and just random stuff.

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I told him I couldn’t anymore & why. I didn’t lie, or say what I thought he wanted to hear. I, for once told the truth. I piece of me still wanted to hear him say I Love You too, it didn’t happen. It is for the better. I have tried to turn this into something that was never going to work.
I put alot of my expectations on him. What I thought a relationship was suppose to be & he did his best to try to do that, I knowing in my heart it was an act. I was willing it from hell, thinking God had a hand in it. He will never want to be in a relationship with me, and I shouldn’t want to be in one with him.
I was finally honest with him. I told him everything. We are friends & that will probably never change. I will always love him and that won’t change either. Knowing where I stand helps. I know where I stand. Maybe it wasn’t as low as I thought.

"I will what I want"

- Under Armour

Take Me to Church

Sometimes you just need to go to church.

"I don’t want to be stagnant, I want to always be evolving."

- NBT

Source: Spotify

When you realize who the love of your life is and the way you feel about them. Always remember there are more than just one love of your life. The sooner I realized I had one, the sooner I can discover another. 

Source: Spotify

Unruly

advisorguy45:

Unruly

My ring crosses your ring
Entering like a key in a hole
The entry is amazing
One I’ve been exposed to before
That control
I give, gave, and took back from you
To breathe, exhale
As you struggle to do
I enjoy resting in your wind pipe
Releasing a stream
In your dream
You struggle…

Source: advisorguy45

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May 18 is a very special anniversary for me. In 2001 I was young & pregnant for the first time. It was hard as I had just met the father a couple of weeks before that. I didn’t tell him until a couple of days before I miscarried. He acted like an ass & I was confused, upset, lonely. For months I tried to get him to understand, in the wrong way, I’m sure. He’s the reason this blog actually exist. He is the one that called me nice, but troubled. I realize that with him, I was nice, but troubled. I wasn’t myself around him. Sunday it all changed. I wasn’t scared or tried to fit into some person I thought he wanted. I was who I was. Funny how time can change things. He has at times, said some really horrible things to me. I have always said that it’s not what you say but your actions. His actions were cruel, but his words were sweet, sometimes. I never wanted to be with anyone other than him. He wanted to be with anyone but me.

That day I was finally able to say this is who I am nice and all. I don’t care what you think.

It has been a couple of months since we reconnected and we still talk to each other. We don’t see each other much before we are both busy with living our lives in our little bubble. I thought I would have gone back to the Nice, but Troubled me (he is the one that coined that phrase for me. I now wear it like a badge of honor). I didn’t. I haven’t bother him. I have lived my life with him flitting in and out. I’m not expecting anything from him. I’m not thinking this is finally my chance to “win” him back. There is nothing to win. He’s not the person I’m suppose to be with. I’m not his type. I’m not expecting anything from him and him me. I have a friend. A friend that’s not that attentive and who is sometimes rather selfish (which I feel at times is his coping mechanism). The think is I can be a friend to him without any ulterior motive or thinking this is what he wants to hear. It’s nice to be me and I think on some level, he likes me too.

NBT

"I feel like at 38, I’m still a failure at life. Will I ever feel like I’m not a failure."

- NBT

"I’m in the beginning stages of losing my religion and my faith in God. I don’t think he exists anymore."

- NBT

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